


An Angel's Smile

by MamaCesa



Category: Cartoon Therapy (Web Series), Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Disorder, Cussing, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:42:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25178623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MamaCesa/pseuds/MamaCesa
Summary: Janus Ethan Dannecker starts college with only a box, backpack, $300, and a ton of emotional baggage that is overwhelming. The broken home he came from cast a shadow on him that he refused to let anyone see. The scars on his body were no match for the scars on his soul. He made it his mission to never let anyone see where he came from. See what he was really made of. See how messed up he would always be.That is, until Patton Mavers smiled at him.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 10
Kudos: 26





	1. When One Meets An Angel

_“At first I didn’t want to fall in love. But at one point you just smiled at me and here I am.”_

_-_

Janus Ethan Dannecker was not good with honesty. He’d been through a lot of shit since the very beginning of his life. He found it easier to lie about everything because honesty caused harm. Honesty hurts. Exposure had the potential to be abused. It was not something he could risk. Not anymore.

He still felt, though. God, did he feel. So much so that he wished his lies were true. Every “I’m fine,” that fell from his lips so easily were secretly wishes that it would be a reality. Each time he was forced to give a smile he hoped the next one would be genuine. 

For the first day of his new life, he wasn’t dressed for the part. 

Janus was wearing a plain black t-shirt underneath a thick, large yellow-and-black flannel that he got for a bargain at Goodwill. His jeans weren’t purposefully ripped, but they were five dollars. He wore his only beanie-a black piece with red text reading ‘Skyline Titans’. His shoes were new. He splurged to get sturdy combat boots that he hoped would work for his first winter with snow. 

The beanie was comfortable on his brunet hair. It had gotten too long, seeing as he couldn’t afford a haircut. He had struggled to tuck his bangs to fit underneath the hat without it falling off. It was a fight he eventually lost. 

His pace was slow as he walked up to his dorm room for the first time. He watched the students milling about with their families carrying boxes full of remnants from their childhoods. He felt a pang of loneliness as he carried his one box of the bare necessities of life. 

He had his backpack, one box of the absolute necessities, and 300$ to his name to start the beginnings of college. He didn’t have much to bring from his childhood home. Well, if you could call it a home. 

He finally reached his dorm room door. It was open, so he could see into the space he’d call home for at least a year. From where he stood outside the doorway he saw a Green Day poster, a purple blanket with an orange spider pattern, and the shoulder of the person who was most likely his roommate. 

The band poster was a bit too angsty for his tastes, but he’d learn to live with it if his roommate used headphones for his music. The blanket was obviously a comfort item from how worn down it looked. The person who owned the shoulder was laughing, causing the arm to shake. 

Getting a read on someone was not only easy, it was necessary. He’d be stuck with this person for a year. It was his first time living with someone outside of his...family. He would have to create a whole new persona to keep up for a year. Of course, he knew this ahead of time. He didn’t want to be vulnerable because of his past.

Janus didn’t want his negative outlook to overwhelm the person he’d be living with. He needed to gather himself first. He took in a deep breath. He made sure to rearrange his mask enough to be a perfectly polite person on the outside. It should have concerned him how quickly he was able to put it on in a new environment. How easy it was to scream in the mind without making a sound in the world. 

He walked in with a forcefully reserved smile that quickly dropped when he saw there were two other people in the small room. One of them was sitting on what would be his bed. 

The boy on his bed was beautiful. He looked like the human embodiment of a cinnamon roll. His wavy blond hair fell in his face perfectly with a blue streak in the bangs. He wore large, circular glasses that seemed too heavy for his face. He had freckles splattered underneath the frames which spread down his cheeks and up to his temples. The eyes behind the glasses looked like pieces of green jade. They were bright companions to the pink lips that were pulled at the corners in laughter. 

Janus seriously wondered if love at first sight was true; when the love came from the first glimpse of an angel’s smile.

He averted his gaze from the angel to look at the people in the room. There was a tall lad leaning against the desk underneath the window. He had strawberry blond hair, which was a reasonable length on top while being recently shaved along the sides of his head. His grin was also beautiful, but not nearly as beautiful as the one that belonged to the perfect stranger on his bed. He had blue eyes that seemed to be teasing at potential mischief. He looked like the type to have owned a Letterman jacket in high school. Tall, muscular, probably a jock of some sorts.

The third person in his room was definitely his roommate, which was a given with the emo interior Janus had seen so far. His smirk was playful as he looked at the redhead. He had shaggy, shoulder length, purple hair that fell over his eyes enough to cover one of them. His black nose ring flashed in the sunlight coming from the window. He was wearing a black hoodie with sewn purple patches. His eyes were such a dark brown they looked black. He looked like an adult living a seventh grade emo student’s dream. 

Janus would have found him intimidating if it weren’t for the fact that he had dealt with scarier people in his life. 

The laughter had died down when they saw him standing in the middle of the room holding the one large box. They all seemed to notice him at the same time.

“Oh, I’m on your bed. Here, let me get up so you can set your things down.” The angel offered politely. His voice was heavenly. Janus wanted to throw the nerves of the day away to just listen to that voice wash the dirt off of his tarnished soul. Which felt silly, confusing, and terrifying. 

Janus muttered a soft “Thanks” as he tried to control his blush. 

He was rarely caught off guard, and it was a miracle that this surprise was such a pleasant one. He had been expecting his roommate to have parents accompanying him, not two cute boys. This was a deviation from his expectations. 

“I’m Patton!” the angel, named Patton, introduced himself enthusiastically. He offered his hand out swiftly, with that bright smile still on his beautiful face. His blue streaked bangs fell into his eyes. 

“I’m Janus,” he took the hand and barely hid the reaction of sparks shooting up his arm. He was used to burying feelings. Yet these were a struggle to choke down. They were good feelings. Positive reactions to a familiar action. He hoped that he was covering the sound of his rapid heartbeat well enough. 

“Janis, what are you, a middle school librarian?” the redhead giggled out. He covered his mouth quickly when Patton gave him a stern look. 

Janus just smirked. “No, more like a Roman god,” he let his voice drip with sarcasm as he rolled his eyes. It wasn’t his first time being mistaken for ‘Janis’ when introducing himself. 

“Oh, what a coincidence! Janus, this is _Roman_.” Patton nudged his blushing companion. Janus wondered to himself if he was laying on the cheer thick to embarrass Roman about the insensitive remark. Roman glanced down in embarrassment.

“Nice to meet you, Roman.” Janus replied amicably. He reached his hand out to shake, hoping to communicate that all was well. He didn’t have any intent to hold resentment between himself and someone else on his first day.

Roman shook his hand and nodded to the black clad lad who was rolling his eyes at the interaction that had just happened in front of him. Roman let go and gestured dramatically at the boy. “And that little Emo Nightmare is Virgil!” 

“‘Sup,” Virgil saluted lazily with two of his fingers. Janus saluted back with a tight grin. 

Janus turned to his backpack to start unpacking. He had expected the three to continue the conversation they were having before he interrupted with his arrival. However, a warm hand reached out in front of him. He jumped at the sudden movement. 

“Sorry,” Patton took his hand away. He made his tone extra warm, “I was just going to offer to help you unpack, since we’re already helping out Virgil.” The freckles on his face nearly disappeared as his face flushed red with embarrassment. 

“No, thank you,” Janus replied politely, though his voice was gruff from his tightened throat. He forced himself to plaster on a smile. “I’m fine.” 

It felt wrong to lie to an angel. However the words had already left his mouth out of habit. 

Patton shrugged, then glanced at the other two boys in the room. “Hey Roman, you wanna work with Virgil while I work with Janus?” 

Janus held back a pleased gasp when his name was uttered by those pink lips, in that soft voice, in the small room that was his new home. He let some of his surprise leak through as Patton insisted on helping him out. He couldn’t form a reply so he watched as the angel got started. 

He was grateful for the help; especially if it meant more attention from the angel. The two of them worked together as they put away the small amount of things Janus brought with him. They finished before Virgil and Roman had, though that had less to do with Janus not having much to unpack, and more to do with Virgil interrupting Roman with nuzzles along his neck. 

Janus grimaced. It was slightly uncomfortable to be witness to such pure, light energy. He hadn’t seen this much positivity since...ever, really. Public displays of affection always sat wrong within him. Perhaps it was because he knew he would never feel that feeling. Nevertheless, it was pretty hard for him to keep his composure with the happy giggles coming from the couple.

Patton seemed to have read his face well, because he clapped his hands to grab everyone’s attention. “Alrighty then, boys, I think we worked out plenty of what we needed to get done today. Whaddya all say to going out to dinner? My treat.” 

Roman didn’t hesitate. “I’ll go to our room and grab our jackets!” He ran out the room with a haste that reminded Janus of an excited puppy. 

Virgil smiled at his boyfriend’s retreating form. “You know, he may be annoying, but he’s also pretty cute when he’s excited.” 

Janus fiddled with the covers of his bed while he sat. He didn’t want to intrude on their time together. Having someone pay for his dinner felt wrong. He didn’t really deserve it. Plus, he hadn’t planned on eating dinner at all that night. Food was a privilege that he didn’t deserve more of after his breakfast that morning. Well, that was what he would have been told if he had still been living at home. 

Patton grinned at him when he didn’t speak up. “You gonna join us, Jan? I’ll cover you too if need be.” He sounded so genuine in his offer. 

How could he say no to that face? “I’d love to,” he replied honestly. He couldn’t hide his blush at the response he uttered quickly. What was he doing? 

“Awesome! I’m going to go to my room to make sure Roman doesn’t get too ahead of us,” Patton shook his head playfully. “Virgil, make sure to bring Jan. We’re gonna head to Leo’s.” 

“Damn, Pat, you win the lottery or something?” Virgil asked with wide eyes. Janus grasped from the context that this place was expensive. His stomach fell at that notion. 

He really didn’t want to go if he would cost too much money. He started to make plans in his head about looking for the least expensive item to order, or maybe just getting water and making an excuse for not being hungry. Were they offering to be polite, hoping he’d say no? He did well to hide his rapidly increasing guilt while he watched the two friends talk.

Patton giggled. “I wish,” he winked, “No, I just saved a bit of extra money for our first night at college.” Patton waved at both of the boys as he left. 

Virgil stood up with a groan. “Knowing Roman, he’s probably bouncing excitedly and I’ll get bombarded with a million texts at once asking why we're taking so long” He chuckled, then noticed that his roommate was still sitting. “You gonna get ready, roomie?” 

Janus bit his lip. “I dunno, if it’s too expensive I don’t want to intrude.” 

Virgil barked out a laugh. “Don’t worry about that, I was teasing Pat. He’s good to cover you.” 

“Okay, well, I guess I’ll grab my coat.” Janus forced a relaxed grin on his face while inside his mind the anxious screaming grew louder.


	2. The Biggest and Most Common Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton catches Janus in the most common lie of all.

_“We are all conditioned, no matter how untrue, to tell one another ‘I’m fine’ until the day we die.”_

_-_

The evening had been going well. He had expected it to be awkward as the outsider to an obviously close friend group. Though somehow they helped him feel included. He allowed himself to relax the tiniest bit. Just enough to make the night go smoothly.

Roman had been very curious about him, which made Janus’ skin crawl. He wasn’t sure if he liked Roman, but wanted to give the boy the benefit of the doubt. Normal people were curious, right?

“So, Janus,” Roman started after he took a bite of his pasta. “Why the odd name? Were your parents mythology nerds, or something?” 

Virgil smacked the back of his boyfriend’s head. Roman coughed, then glared at the assailant. “What? I just want to get to know him.” 

Patton had been sitting next to Janus, so he gently patted the top of Janus’ hand. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” he murmured. 

The contact was nice. He didn't flinch away. It helped that Patton was making his movements slower and easy to see. Janus wondered if it was because he flinched in the dorm room earlier. He didn’t know whether to be flattered or concerned if that was the case. 

Janus cleared his throat. He didn’t want to be rude to the people who were so kind enough to let him tag along for a good meal. “No worries,” he told the fake story with ease from years of practice. “My dad was always obsessed with Mediterranean history, specifically Roman mythology. My mom was the same, except she loved the Greek sides. When I was born, they both wrote out their choice of name and flipped a coin. My dad won.” 

“What name did your mom choose?” Virgil asked. They all had been paying attention to him with what seemed like genuine interest. 

He wracked his brain for the other name. It had been a while since he had to tell this story, especially with people so curious. “Morpheus.” He decided that would be the other option. 

“Wow. My parents just named me Roman because we’re all mostly ‘R’ names,” Roman chuckled. He went back to eating his food. 

“Well, I like the name Janus,” Patton told him with a grin. “I don’t know you very well yet, but it suits you.” 

Janus should not have held onto the word ‘yet’ from that sentence, but that word had him soaring through the rest of the night. He felt his shoulders relax after hearing that the angel was willing to keep him around. 

“I was named after the Roman poet, Virgil.” the shaggy haired boy piped in. “My mother is an English teacher at our old high school.” 

“Oh, I will be forever pissed that she had the audacity to give me a C on the final,” Roman exclaimed a bit loudly. He brought the back of his hand to his forehead for effect.  
  
“Well, yeah, Ro. You didn’t study.” Virgil rolled his eyes. “Just because she loves you doesn’t mean that you were going to get an A without effort.” 

“Janus, where did you go to high school?” Patton turned to face him. He was making a point to include Janus, even though the lovebirds were bickering about the grade. 

“Oh,” Janus had this lie prepared, “I went to a private school in California.” 

“Wow, you’re a long way from home then,” Patton observed sympathetically. “Well, then we’ll make sure you get settled here so you’re not alone.” 

Janus felt guilty for lying about his previous school, though it was true he used to live in California. Seeing someone be so genuine in their fondness towards him made him feel uncomfortable, yes, but he couldn’t help the feeling that this was a place for him to fit. At least, the identity he had carefully constructed so no one would see how ugly he truly was. His outside self fit with them well. Meaning he had to be even more careful with his words.

The night continued well. Patton had caught on that their questions were making Janus uncomfortable, so he effortlessly changed topics but still kept it casual. He and Janus met each other’s eyes a few times during their meal. Each time Janus felt his heart flutter while rushing blood to his cheeks. They brushed shoulders a few times; which caused real, though small, genuine smiles.

After they finished their meal, Roman and Virgil decided to go on a walk together despite it being dark out. This left Patton and Janus alone together on their walk back to the dorms. It was chilly out, and the town looked beautiful in the night. That may have been the influence from his companion though. 

Patton was definitely a bright individual. He was so personable. Janus couldn’t help but be drawn to him. He looked stunning in his outfit-a grey cardigan, light blue polo shirt, and tight fitting khakis. He hadn’t stopped smiling, and Janus wanted nothing more than to keep that smile there. 

That radiance made a light on his soul that for the moment made him feel close to normal. 

Janus and Patton walked together slowly. Neither of them were in a rush to get home. Janus suspected that Patton, too, didn’t want the evening to end. They walked together in silence. The only noise between them was a comfortable quiet as the warm night blanketed them. 

Patton did interrupt the quiet, however, when they were within eyesight of their building. He stopped underneath a streetlamp. There was a bench nearby that he made his way to sit on. He looked up at Janus and wordlessly patted the space next to him. 

Janus sat down, curious as to why they had stopped. He could see that Patton had something on his mind, though, so he waited patiently for the words to come out. 

“Janus,” the angel started with a gentle tone, “I don’t want to imply anything’s wrong.” Patton looked at his hands as he spoke. 

Janus felt his defenses go up. He was ready for the rejection. He had been too awkward at the dinner. Patton was just being kind enough to tell him that this was a one time thing. He was going to let him down easy. 

He let the boy continue, though, knowing full well that interrupting was not a good idea. 

“I just want you to feel like you have family, here, especially since you showed up alone.” Patton sighed. He brought his hands to his face to rub underneath his glasses. His blue streak looked darker in the yellow light of the streetlamp. “I didn’t want to say anything at dinner, but…” 

_Here it comes_

Patton looked at him with a watery smile. There were tears in his green eyes that nearly broke Janus’ heart. _Please don’t cry, angel_.

“You don’t have to pretend around us. There’s no need to lie.” 

The screaming in his mind picked up again. It had gone quiet as the evening went on, but being caught in the facade gave it more volume. His breath started to quicken. The mask started to crack enough to let water fill his eyes. He looked away to wipe them. The nerves of the day hit him all at once. 

He jumped when he felt Patton rest his hand on his shoulder. Patton pulled away just as quickly. “Sorry, force of habit,” he apologized. “Could you look at me, Jan?” 

He wanted to run away. To escape the terror of the moment he was stuck in. He shouldn’t have let his guard down. He was going to be rejected for deceiving them. Tricking the group of close friends that he was deserving of their companionship. 

He looked at Patton. The screaming quieted as soon as he looked into the angel’s deep green eyes. There was nothing but full trust in those eyes. Patton’s soul was an open meadow for him to take refuge in. He could hear the whisper of a promise of loyalty when they gazed at each other. 

“You can trust me, hon,” Patton whispered. “I know you don’t know me well, but once I care about someone I stay dedicated to that care.” 

Janus smiled. It was genuine. He was grinning at this stranger offering up his love so easily. It was ridiculous. He laughed bitterly. “I believe you, but you also don’t know me very well. If you did you’d choke on those words.” 

He stood up swiftly. The screaming voice in his mind begging him to run. To save himself from heartbreak. “Thank you for inviting me out to dinner, it was fun.” He brushed off his jeans to avoid looking at Patton. He ignored the fact that his voice cracked on the last word. 

“Janus, wait I-”Patton started to beg. Janus could hear the threat of tears in his voice.

“Don’t worry about it, Patton,” Janus looked over his shoulder with a caked on smile. “I’m fine.” 

Without giving the other a chance to respond, he walked away hurriedly. He was both pleased and offended that Patton didn’t chase after him. He got to his room quickly. He sighed in relief that Virgil was still out on his walk with Roman. It gave him a few minutes to release the tears he wanted to release since he first arrived on campus. 

He wasn't fine. He was on his own in a place where no one knew him. He gripped the sheet in his hands as he remembered how hard it was to lie about how he felt. 

Who was this angel? What power did he have over Janus that compelled him to be honest? Why was it so easy to forget that he needed to lie about being fine? Why was it, at the point in the evening when their hands touched, did he feel like a normal person? 

Who was this angel who seemed to see through his disguise? 

Patton and his friends included him, and he ruined it because he had alluded to how damaged he was already. No facade could withstand the observant green eyes. 

Virgil returned after a time that was way too long to have just been a walk. He probably was engaged in amorous activities with Roman like normal couples did.

"Hey, you okay? Sorry if I woke you up," his roommate whispered. 

Janus smiled even though it was dark for Virgil to see. "No worries," he whispered back, "I'm fine." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit short, I hope that's okay. This fic is set up in a different way than I am used to doing. I hope you enjoyed and comment what you think.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! Yes, now I am up to making 3 multichapters! This AU will be a new style. I'm not going to censor myself here, and that may cause some discomfort for others. This is very angst heavy. This AU will have a main storyline and possible side stories when the time comes. I hope that you enjoy the angst and pain as much as I will enjoy writing it.


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